Single Person Anxiety & How To Work Through It
I was a very bad single person. I hated being single. I was lonely and I felt like all of the experiences I had, places I visited, and things I learned were somehow less valuable to me because I couldn’t share them with someone. Increasingly, as friends moved in together and got married, I felt like I was failing in some sort of life test.
All of these negative thoughts made it hard for me to date. I was so focused on trying to gain approval from whoever I went on a date with that I forgot what was actually important about dating: asking myself if they’re a good fit for me and whether I like them?
If I could go back in time, I would love to give advice to my younger self. Since my time travel machine still has a few kinks to be worked out, I’ll settle for writing my advice down and hope it can be useful for someone else.
Don’t let the pressure get you down
Being single can be daunting, especially a few years out of college, as a lot of people start to pair off and dive into long-term relationships, with a few overachievers starting to get married and even, more shockingly, having kids. Being in a relationship is an accepted and expected social norm. The expectation is fueled by a lot of things – the fact that our society glamorizes being part of a couples, parental pressure to pair off (whether because they want their kid to “have someone” or because they want grandchildren), the prevalence of romance storylines in movies / TV shows / books that combine the forward momentum of the protagonists’ lives with their relationships. The pressure to be in a relationship can be hard to deal with, lead people to make bad relationship decisions about choosing partners, and create a lot of sadness if relationships don’t work out.
But, despite all this pressure and normalization of couplehood, it’s important to remember that being single isn’t a negative reflection on you. Don’t give in to the pressure. Your life as a single person will be so much better if you don’t pile onto yourself for being single. Whether you’re interested in dating and potentially finding a partner (or partners) or you;re enjoying life as a single person, remember that there is no right or wrong way to be – do what feels right for you.
Get comfortable with yourself
If you’re anxious and unsure of yourself as a single person, you’re probably still going to be anxious and unsure of yourself in a relationship. Being single offers the opportunity and time to learn about yourself, explore the world, figure out what makes you happy, dive into the things that interest you, and identify the things that drive you nuts.
You may think you’d enjoy life more with a partner, but that isn’t necessarily true and it certainly shouldn’t keep you from enjoying life on your own. Explore life with just yourself. And when you do find a partner, you’ll not only have a better sense of who you are as an individual within the relationship, but you’ll know all the things you’re ready to share with your new boo and can experience the world all over again with them.
Focus on communicating what you want
When you’re single, you want to be liked. For many people (including me) the goal of dating seems to be: get other people to like me. It’s so easy to get caught up in wanting people to like you, to desire you, to want to be with you. Often, we mute or adjust parts of ourselves to keep things smooth, pleasant, and drama free.
That isn’t how it should be. Rather than worrying about what others think of us, we should be asking ourselves what we think of them. It also doesn’t help anyone if we pretend to be someone we’re not – it’s a disservice to ourselves and our dates and can lead to toxic behavior. This is not actual communication, however. Be yourself. Be honest about your thoughts, feelings, desires, and priorities.
Final thought
Regardless of whether you’re single or in a relationship, the most important thing you can do is to work on being comfortable and happy with yourself. No one else can do that for you and you aren’t doing anyone any favors by not putting yourself first. Although the pressure of dating can feel overwhelming and the desire to find a partner can make one frantic, remember that being single comes with a lot of benefits. Aside from having the freedom to do what you want and meet lots of interesting people, you have the time and space to do a lot of the learning about yourself that (which you can continue doing even while in a relationship, but can sometimes be a bit harder to find time for). Don’t treat being single like a way station you need to get out of quickly on your journey to being in a relationship – take advantage of being single and embrace it for all the wonderful benefits it provides!
