How to Make Dating Serve You: Part III - “Growth Hacking” Your Dating Life (with Spreadsheet!)

You growth hack in your professional and personal life, so why not in your dating life, too? 

In Part I and Part II of the How to Make Dating Serve You series, we discussed how shifting your attitude can lead to a healthier relationship with your dating life, and then went through ways to keep yourself sane through the process. In this third part, we’re going to very scientifically and professionally turn your dating life into a true numbers game (okay, not really, but we’re going to give you a simple tool that can help you better track your dating life).

Now before we jump in, you may be thinking: Isn’t dating already perceived by some as a game? And a terrible one, at that? Why yes, it is. The games people play in dating are ones of the heart, and that totally sucks. This game, however, is here strictly to serve you and make dating a little bit more objective. Think about it this way: Have you ever found yourself really lonely, staring at your phone, and thinking “Why did I stop talking to Person A?” Your mind tells you “Person A wasn’t all that bad,” and rationalizes away the red flags that were the reason you stopped talking to them. And then it happens… the infamous text. The one future-you kicks present-you for sending. Ugh.

Keep this scenario in mind, we’ll come back to it later.

Enter: The Little Purple Spreadsheet

Okay, now about that “simple tool” we mentioned earlier… You can open it here to follow along. Make a copy for yourself by clicking File > Make a Copy. Spoiler alert: It’s a spreadsheet.

Full disclosure: The concept of using a spreadsheet to track your dates is not new to 2021 — it originally made waves back in 2013 when Amy Webb introduced it at TEDSalon NY2013. I heard of it in late 2014 when a friend embraced this methodology, and about a year later in 2015, finally decided to take it for a spin myself. I wanted to try the algorithmic approach Webb set forth, but frankly, didn’t have the time nor the data analysis skills to come up with something as robust, nor the desire to read a book about how to put one together. Instead I created the “Little Purple Spreadsheet” (rebranded from my original “Little Black Spreadsheet”) as my minimum viable product, and told myself I’d try this for 6 months and investigate creating something like what Webb put together if it didn’t work out. Luckily for me, after about one hundred matches, dozens of first dates, and three months later, I found the person I’ve been with ever since (going on 6 years strong! We own a home together and are co-guardians of a lovely Shiba Inu).

Back to the spreadsheet and how to fill it out.

On the first tab, you’ll be able to list out your Green Flags, Red Flags, and Deal Breakers. The second tab will be the actual scoring.

Green Flags, Red Flags, and Deal Breakers

When dating, it is important to first know more about yourself. What do you like, dislike, and what won’t you tolerate? This first tab is where you can write out your thoughts on each of these. You’ll notice Column A is numbered, which we’ll come back to on Tab 2 for Ratings.

Green Flags are items that are signs things are going right, and that the conversation should continue. These vary depending on your own wants, desires, and needs, but some common ones include:

1. Asks great questions

2. Responds to texts in a timely fashion

3. Trustworthy

4. I feel comfortable around this person

5. Is kind to waitstaff

Red Flags, which we are all more familiar with (even if we don’t heed them), are signals and warning bells telling us to stop the conversation. They’re not always stop signs, but should be heeded before continuing. Like with green flags, red flags will vary depending on what you want, but here are some common red flags:

1. Rude to waitstaff

2. Critical / Calls ex "crazy"

3. Jokes at the expense of others

4. Avoids answering questions

5. Asks inappropriate questions

Lastly, deal breakers, which are items that will make you call it quits no matter what. Consider these your non-negotiables. If you find yourself wavering on these, ask yourself: Am I being honest with myself about how I feel about this person? Am I ignoring this, or willing to ignore this, and why? If I am, is this truly a deal breaker for me, or should it transition to a red flag? These vary depending on your life goals, but some examples include:

1. Different smoking, drinking, and/or drug habits

2. Different views on children

3. Different views on romantic relationships (monogamy, non-monogamy, polyamory, and more)

4. Talk constantly about their ex

5. "Secret" relationship

6. Cancels plans last minute frequently

Take time to write out your green flags, red flags, and deal breakers in your Little Purple Spreadsheet. If you’re feeling stuck, think about specific relationships from your past. Ask yourself, “What were some things they said/did that I should have heeded as a warning sign?” or “What did they say/do that made me comfortable to continue the relationship?” Then expand to people you know and ask yourself, “What about these relationships do I want for myself?” Lastly, if you’re really having a tough time verbalizing what you’re thinking, you can always turn to your good friend Google for inspiration.

When you’re ready, switch over to Tab 2: Ratings!

Ratings

On this second tab, you’ll have some fun. In Column A, starting in Row 2, start entering the names of your dates.

Columns B and C are about where and when you met. This is useful for keeping a written record, and also where you can reconnect with that person. Columns D and E are for your dates’ phone numbers and social handles. I added this later because I accidentally mixed up names and numbers in my phone — may you learn from my mistakes! By taking the extra minute here, it made it easy for me to return back to the spreadsheet to refresh my memory on who each person was.

Columns F - H are directly related to what you put in Tab 1. After each date, write out the numeric values that correspond to what they hit on. In the example below, if the date asked great questions (green flag 1), avoided answering questions (red flag 4), and told you the relationship had to be secret (deal breaker 4), you’d put the corresponding values in each row.

Columns I - L are where the magic happens (as they have auto-calculations!). Do not edit those cells or the formula in those cells. They count the number of green flags, red flags, and deal breakers previously input and give you a score in Column L (color coded, no less — dark pink for a negative score, pretty purple for a score above 3, and a mellow yellow for the in between!) If there is a dealbreaker, the row will automatically say calculate to show “Deal breaker.”

Here is the example from the above example filled out, followed by a more realistic example with more flags and deal breakers filled out across multiple dates:

Putting It All Together

Remember the scenario we mentioned earlier about feeling lonely? Now imagine this: You’re staring at your phone, thinking about texting Person A, but this time, you’ve got your handy-dandy, “Little Purple Spreadsheet,” filled with a few key pieces of information. You want to message Person A, but pull up your spreadsheet to jog your memory about them first… and realize: Oof, yeah, this person? They were so rude when I told them I compost. Not a good match. Maybe it’s time for some self-care instead.

We hope you’ve found this series helpful for you and that you feel more in control of your dating life. We’ll leave with this quote from Amy Webb’s TED talk:

“[A]s it turns out, there is an algorithm for love. It's just not the ones that we're being presented with online. In fact, it's something that you write yourself. So whether you're looking for a husband or a wife or you're trying to find your passion or you're trying to start a business, all you have to really do is figure out your own framework and play by your own rules, and feel free to be as picky as you want.”

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