Communicating Sexual Preferences and Desires
Sex is one of those topics many people still have difficulty being matter-of-fact about. We all have sex, or will, at some point in our lives. Unless your life’s purpose is one of a specific religious pursuit, you will inevitably join the “Sex Majority”, as I like to call us. We are the group of people who have… sex. We are a large part of the population and I foresee us sticking around for a very long time😉. Also, I don’t mean to burst your bubble, but sex is how YOU came into this world -- okay maybe I did mean to burst it, but only out of love.
The stories we’ve spread about “doing the nasty” and even where babies come from; you know the one with the stork and the doorstep? Or even the ways we speak about our body parts; replacing vulva with “pookie” or penis with “peepee”, are all contributing factors to how we’ve learned to become almost comfortable talking about a very natural and universal topic.
When I think of all the ways we’ve watered down sex, to make it more “appropriate”, it’s no wonder why any conversation around sex comes with sweaty hands, staggared breathing and a lot of “Um, well, hmm how do I put this?” It’s no wonder our youth is having sex without knowing much about their bodies or the reprecussions and the beautiful possibilities that come with it. It’s no wonder why couples are creating secret profiles on kink sites instead of talking to their partner(s) about their desires or preferences.
We must do better.
And before I jump into the how. I want to say that it starts with YOU. We can no longer blame our parents or our grandparents or our school systems or politics or religion, though we have much progression to go. We can no longer point to others when we live in a world that thrives at its fingertips. If you are reading this right now, then you have the ability to Google literally anything you want. So, Google about sex. Get curious about sex. Learn about sex so that you are better equipped to handle conversations about sex. When we are knowledgeable about something, we have the confidence to speak about it with the information in mind, regardless of who you are speaking about it with. When you don’t know about something, it encourages the latter.
We have been encouraging the latter for so long and it makes talking to our partner(s), current and/or new, about how we like to be touched, or that we enjoy some mild degradation or fantasy play in the bedroom or that we’d like to incorporate a third sexual partner into our dynamic, feel like a scary, confusing, dirty, uncomfortable thing. Sex and Shame don’t belong together.
One of the most common question I get from people is usually some variation of this:
“Hey Bri, How do I (communicate this sexual desire or preference) to my (partner) without (hurting the dynamic)?”
My answer is typically the same with minor adjustments based on their specific inquiry. And if you are wondering how to have this conversation with your current or potential partner(s) or maybe have had the conversation but it didn’t go so well, I encourage you to take note of these suggestions for communicating your sexual desires and preferences:
Accept What You Desire & Prefer
Before we can even talk to our partner(s) about the things that we want, with confidence, we have to be ok with wanting whatever it is that we want. Going into a conversation with no direction makes it a little more difficult to stay the course. It’s ok to flow with it, hearing each other's POV, as long as there is true compromise on the other side. Accepting that you enjoy whatever it is or want to pursue whatever it may be is a great first step in removing the shame from the conversation. Mixing shame and sex is never a great way to begin or continue any sexual relationship.
Research
Remember what I said earlier about getting curious about sex? Learning more about your preferences helps in understanding where they may come from; how you respond to more exposure can tell you a lot about your desire for them, which in turn helps in communicating about them. For example, if there is something about being restrained during sex to a point where you are completely at the mercy of your partner that arouses you, then researching BDSM and bondage kink will help you explain to your partner the feeling you get and how it may sometimes be required for sexual satisfaction. You will be able to understand the consent behind it, the safety and trust, as well as the aftercare that you require. These are all things that you and your partner(s) need to know in order to feel satisfied or compatible, sexually.
Write A Letter
It’s common for partner(s) to have different communication styles, but in order for any dynamic to thrive, intentional communication must be a priority for all parties involved. If you are uncomfortable confronting an issue or concern face to face, then I can imagine having a conversation about sex head on is out of the question. But I will say, practice makes perfect... or at the very least more confident. Writing out our thoughts is a perfectly healthy way to communicate with someone. Sometimes it can be even more beneficial to start the hard conversations this way. It allows space for you to get it all out in a tangible way. You can tweak it to make sure you’re saying what you mean and meaning what you say... or write 😉. It can build confidence for you and help you to give yourself the validation that you require to move forward. It also allows your partner to take it all in, in their own time and in their own way, without the feeling of immediate conflict that can come with vulnerable, face to face conversations. I recommend sitting with them while they read or reading it aloud to them. Remember to give them the space to accept what they are feeling before needing confirmation or resolution. Encourage honest communication of their feelings and remind them that you are bringing this to their awareness because you care about them and the dynamic and that you value honesty and satisfaction for both/all of you.
Set A Meeting & Make It Sexy
If you need a reference, watch this scene from 50 Shades of Grey. But seriously, setting a meeting to talk about your desires and preferences is a great way to get right to the point. There is no need for small talk or rambling. You and the parties involved know what you’ll be discussing, which can oftentimes be the easiest way to have conversations about sexual preferences and desires. Similar to the clip from 50 Shades, though not necessarily a contract (unless that is the nature of your dynamic), you can send over a list of desires and preferences prior to your date and ask your partner to check off all that apply for them and you do the same. Once at dinner or however you set the meeting (but again, keep in mind the make it sexy part of the tip), you can exchange your lists and then have a conversation about them. Along with the list or contract, you can add in a cover letter letting them know why this is important to you. If anything at all, going about the conversation this way is sure to elicit some arousal and bring some sexual tension to play.
The Offer Up
This works well in both established and blossoming dynamics when there is no issue communicating what you enjoy sexually and when there is a strong sense of self-acceptance. You simply offer up a sexual act or experience to your partner(s) and allow them to express their feelings about it. The thing with this is having no expectation. It’s great if they say they are up for trying it. And if not, you are ok finding a compromise or saying thank you, next.
When it’s all said and done, you are responsible for your pleasure. And that means you are responsible for communicating what you desire and what you prefer when you enter a sexual dynamic with anyone. Being upfront about who you are sexually and the desires that bring you satisfaction in the bedroom will do one of two things. It will allow you to feel and experience your pleasure to the fullest in your current dynamic, or it will open up space in your life for opportunities to come your way that will allow you to feel and experience your pleasure to the fullest.
