How to Make Dating Serve You: Part II - Dating & Self-Care aren’t the only Two Peas in a Pod
As we all know, dating can be a tough gig which we only complicate for ourselves the longer it’s been since we last had a good date. Why do we do this to ourselves? In this series, we’re going to continue exploring how you can make dating serve you, as opposed to feeling like it’s controlling you. In Part I, we covered how attitude is everything in dating: Dating is a numbers game that can be played in a low-stakes, relaxed way. In Part II of this series, we will cover how to embrace self-care in dating.
“What matters is you can quickly spot somebody who is a bad match and move on. That’s it. That’s the way you find your partner quickly.”
Wise words from relationship coach Eimear O'neill on one of her recent TikTok videos, and a sentiment we whole-heartedly agree with. Let’s let that sink in, along with the context from the previous article.
Alright, now that we’ve internalized the numbers aspect of dating and we’re ready to get out into the world, let’s be real with each other: Dating, no matter how fun we can make it or rationalize the numbers both in and out of our favor, takes a lot of energy. It’s expected and totally normal to need to refuel your tank. The question can sometimes be: When should I do that, and when I do, what should I do?
Similar to what Twitter user @jeanqasaur said in her viral Tweet, “Two important lessons I learned in my twenties: - If you think everyone hates you, you probably need to sleep. - If you think you hate everyone, you probably need to eat.”
This advice also holds true in dating, and we’ll take it a few steps further:
Establish and enforce boundaries,
Recognize your own limits, and
Take breaks!
Establish and Enforce Boundaries
This is a hot topic lately in the dating scene, and one we 👏 are 👏 here 👏 for 👏. People talk a lot about boundaries and how important they are, but what can these look like? Here are some examples:
I am comfortable messaging, but won’t give out my phone number to someone I haven’t yet met in person.
I honor existing plans and commitments and won’t cancel or rearrange them for a date.
I’m comfortable with touching, but not sex.
I’m cool with sexting, but I’m not okay with exchanging nude photos.
I’ll exchange Snap handles, but not TikTok/Instagram/Facebook.
Texting is my love language, and I won’t tolerate being shamed for my texting patterns.
As we see above, boundaries can exist in a variety of ways: Emotional, physical, behavioral, and even digital. You may read some of the examples and think, “Wow, that boundary doesn’t resonate with me at all.” This is a beautiful thing: No two people have the exact same boundaries. So how can you determine what your boundaries are? Here are some tips, paraphrased from loveisrespect.org:
Pay attention to how you feel about and react to situations around you, whether in real life or in shows or movies you watch.
What makes you feel uncomfortable?
What’s important to you?
What do you want to keep private?
Is there any type of behavior or trait that would not fly with you, ever (sometimes called a “dealbreaker”)?
Writing out some of your thoughts to these prompts will help you establish some of your boundaries. Keep in mind: Your boundaries today may look different than what they were in the past, and what they will be in the future. Setting and enforcing boundaries serves you so long as it continues to resonate with you. If a boundary no longer tickles your fancy, it is within your power to retire it and establish new boundaries.
With your boundaries set, you can go forth and enforce them! In dating, many of these will be centered on you, what you will do, and what you won’t do. For boundaries which relate to how you engage with others and allow others to engage with you, I’ve always found it helpful to do two things: (1) Role play, and (2) write it out.
For role playing, you don’t need someone to actively be “the other person,” though it can be helpful. Effective role play can be as simple as a mental exercise where you envision the scenario and practice how you’d respond if someone violates a particular boundary with you. If you can get someone to role play with you, give them the boundary you want them to push, and practice your response. The exercise here is to build your response muscle, so when your boundary is pushed for the first time out in the wild, you are already prepared.
For writing it out, open up your favorite note taking app, like Notes, Google Keep, Evernote, Onenote, or word processing tool, like Google Docs, Microsoft Word, or Pages, and write out your boundaries. Beneath each, write triggers, scenarios, or phrases that can push those boundaries. Then, beneath each of those, write out possible responses. Here’s an example:
Boundary: I am comfortable messaging, but won’t give out my phone number to someone I haven’t yet met in person.
Trigger: Potential messages from someone I haven’t yet met: Should we exchange numbers? What is your number? Can I give you a call? Can I have your number? My number is 310-555-1234, text me.
Response: Hey [name]! I’m super excited about getting to know you, but am not yet comfortable exchanging phone numbers. I’d love for us to continue the conversation here.
You can also elaborate on your responses, depending on how thorough you want to be. However, when it comes to enforcing boundaries, you do not need to explain yourself unless you wish to. This is your dating life, and if someone genuinely is curious to understand your boundaries, that is one thing; but if someone is questioning them in an attempt to convince you to abandon your boundary, that’s a red flag and you should heed the warning bells.
Recognize Your Own Limits
All that hard work setting and enforcing boundaries has paid off! You now know what your boundaries are and are super confident in enforcing them. But oh no, you’ve now gotten 10 messages that violate your boundaries and are being super disrespectful when you enforce them. You feel angry and frustrated that there are no good matches out there, dammit!
These feelings of anger and frustration are an early warning sign that you are reaching your limit. What are some other warning signs it’s time to take a break?
General irritability
Existential dread
Feelings of hopelessness
Irrepressible desire to throw your phone across the room
Exhaustion
A desire to see no one ever again
Numbness
Only you truly know your own warning signs that your emotional tank is approaching “Empty,” so your mileage may vary. When you start feeling more negative emotions than usual, including apathy and ambivalence, take that as a sign that you are approaching your limit. Before you go over threshold, take the time you need earlier and more often rather than allowing yourself to hit your breaking point. Think of it like car maintenance: You can get away with not stopping to plug in or putting gas in the tank, but eventually, you’ll run out of steam and find yourself stranded and calling for help.
Many of us feel like we are invincible and that our emotions don’t control or own us. However, when we ignore these warning signs, we allow them to have more control than we think. Why push yourself past your breaking point? Life is too short to force yourself into misery for misery’s sake, or worse, your own ego. Build yourself up by maintaining your systems instead of neglecting them.
Take Breaks
Whew, you’ve made it all the way to the final section of this article. Congratulations! You are a warrior of self-discovery, and I commend you for making it this far. Now that you can set and enforce boundaries and recognize your limits, we get into my favorite topic: Taking breaks, aka refueling your engine.
Some people may think taking breaks is for the weak, or worse, that it’s a waste of time. But for those of us in the know, we sometimes feel like we harbor a secret weapon that takes so little time to implement but has impressive long-term rewards. You can be burnt out at work, and there are strategies to combat that, but in the dating space? It’s uncommon for people to encourage avoiding burn out in the same way, despite there being so many similarities.
Breaks take all different shapes and sizes, and can look like any of the following:
15 minutes of no screen time (or no dating apps!)
An evening off
Engagement in a hobby
Hanging out with friends (without getting dolled up or with the expectation of finding someone when out — aka, be present!)
Calling a family member or friend
A weekend getaway or staycation
Watching a rerun of your favorite show
Small breaks can be implemented at any time. Some fun activities to fill this time are meditation, silence, playing a silly game on your phone, journaling, going for a walk, online window shopping (including looking at virtual open houses 👀), drawing, painting, sketching, doodling, making music, watching a video, and so much more.
Longer breaks can be implemented with both advanced planning or impromptu decisions. To take a break from dating doesn’t mean going to a cabin with no wifi (though that does sound luxurious and indulgent). Sometimes it’s as simple as hiding the app from being accessed, putting kid-blockers on those apps, or even uninstalling it. You can find alternatives to fill this time, but this break is all about you doing you — whether you choose to work, catch up with friends/family, read a book, listen to a podcast, or engage in retail therapy, this break is all about you and what refuels your tank.
