How to Make Dating Serve You: Part I - Attitude is Everything
You are not everyone’s cup of tea. Additionally, and more importantly: Everyone is not your cup of tea, either. When dating, we spend so much time focusing on whether other people are the “one” that we do two things: (1) We focus on the needs of the other person; and (2) We put an exorbitant amount of pressure on each new person we meet because we feel like they must be the one.
What are the issues with these two mindsets?
First, when we focus on the needs and wants of the other person, we discount ourselves and our own needs and wants. When we put the other person before ourselves, we can end up going on multiple dates and wasting a lot of time, energy, and effort, before realizing we don’t fit well with that person. How many times has this happened to you: You meet someone and start bending over backward to serve them and be who you think they want you to be. Then, after reaching the 4-month mark, the rose-colored glasses come off and you realize: Woah, I am actually miserable in this relationship.
Second, when we add the pressure of expecting every person we meet to be the “one,” it makes it much harder when the relationship doesn’t work out as we experience those lows more deeply and personally. It’s normal to be upset when relationships don’t work out and to feel disappointment after going on date after date without making it to the next stage. The more personally we take this, the more deeply it impacts our overall psyche.
Enter: A Numbers Game
Some fun facts to remind yourself of when you’re feeling down (bear with us — we’ll explain why these are important in just a moment!):
There are 281 million people in the US.
74% of that population are 18+, meaning 209 million people.
According to Pew Research Group, 31% of US adults are single, or about 65 million people.
Even if only 0.01% of this population were a great match for you, do you know how many people that is? 6,500. This doesn’t even include looking outside of the US, where the world population increases to 7.8 billion. With 49.76% between the ages of 25 and 64, that’s 3.8 billion people. Assuming the single rate is similar in this group, this narrows to 1.2 billion. Let’s say only 0.001% are a great match for you — that’s still 12,000 potentially amazing and compatible matches worldwide.
Yes, we recognize we’re using some wild estimations here for how many people could be a compatible match — Kyle Schutter put together a fun spreadsheet to narrow this down even further based on requirements if you want to get specific for your odds — but love isn’t exactly a pure science, now is it?
Okay, now you’re likely wondering: What do all these numbers have to do with me and dating?
Harness the Power of Numbers to Inspire You
With a potential six to twelve thousand matches out there in this big blue and green world, it’s only a matter of time before you find someone in that pool. This should be incredible news that helps us take that first step towards a successful relationship with dating: understanding that it’s truly a numbers game. The more dates you go on, the more you increase your chances of finding someone who is an excellent match.
Are you the type of person who listens to dating advice on how many messages to send in a row (or not), questions and topics to avoid, what to wear, what to say, what not to say, and so much more? With all this advice swirling around in our heads, the pressure builds to a point where it feels like we’re boiling over. Keeping this numerical perspective in mind helps relieve the pressure on each date because there is something freeing knowing that most people are not likely to be your cup of tea and vice versa.
Once we realize the numbers and our odds of meeting a compatible partner, each date can be more fun and — dare we say — inspiring. Your attitude can shift from one of “Please be the one,” to one of genuine curiosity: “Will you be the one?”
As you hopefully now see, dating is a game, but not the one the media will have you believe: It’s a game of numbers and compatibility, not a game of the heart or mind at all. If you hate games and meet people who play game after game, kick them to the curb and get ready to move on to the next. This initial stage of meeting people is not personal. Let dating and the numbers game serve you: It’s only a matter of time before you find the person with whom the only games you’ll play are the video or board games you treasure, not ones of the heart or mind.
Stay tuned for Part II, where we’ll discuss self-care. Simply because you’ve shifted your attitude and now embrace the numbers game and odds doesn’t mean you won’t experience heartbreak or feel the need to step back. In Part II, we’ll outline some ways you can stay afloat in the dating pool.
