When Should You Have Sex With Someone?
Simple. When you want to. Here’s something my momma used to tell me when I became sexually active: committing to someone is like buying a car. It might look nice on the outside. It might even have all the bells and whistles. Top of the line, grade A product. But, you won’t know if it’s truly the car for you till you take it out for a ride. You want to make sure it’s safe, it feels good, it drives well, you feel confident in it. Same goes for potential partners. Think about it. You buy a car without testing it out and you could be stuck investing time, money, commitment and energy into something that’s not really compatible for you. With a partner, you could be lying in your luscious bed in Tulum, the first night of your honeymoon, so ready for this epic love-making session and then realize your bodies have never connected before and that if it’s not satisfying, you’re in for a nice long chat about sexual compatibility on day two of this honeymoon or just stuck suffering through shitty sex till you muster up the courage to bring the convo up.
We get hung up on people we date “being the one” before we experience them fully. According to the Relish Relationship Report, 55% of divorces were the result of emotional and physical infidelity. This is in large part, I’ve seen, to the negligence we show to the importance of sexual wellness within our romantic dynamics as well as the pressure placed upon us by society and programmed by our “purity culture” conditioning that makes us think we have to be virtuous to be worthy of love. It’s bullshit. You choosing to do what you want to do, safely, with your body is your right. That decision is up to no one but you. If having sex with each potential partner or having a night cap on the first date is your standard, then more power to you! No shame. No judgment. Period.
I also want to be clear in saying that if you are someone who chooses to wait till you’re married to experience sex, more power to you! If you are someone who waits till you’re officially labeled as committed to one another, in whatever way that means for your dynamic, to experience sex, then more power to you! Again, it is your body, your sexual energy, your right. No shame. No judgement. Period.
I have been sexually active since I was sixteen years old. Up until college I’d established commitment prior to having sex. That was partially because I’m a sap and I loved the idea of what “true love” looked like and the way romance and courting was portrayed in movies before the epic sex session! The other reason was that I was conditioned through familial dynamics, church, other forms of media and society to “hold out my goodies” till someone truly loves me and till I truly love them. I would hear all sorts of sexist phrases like: “Why would he buy the cow, if he’s getting the milk for free?” or “You can’t turn a hoe into a housewife” that shaped my view on exploring my sexuality with confidence. I felt that choosing to have sex before marriage or before someone committed to me in a very traditional sense, that I was losing my virtue and I was not worthy of being loved.
I am thankful to have had trusted people in my life that encouraged smart sex. Who made sure that if I was going to indulge in my sexual exploration, I had someone to talk to about it. Who gave me the space to decide for myself why I wanted to have sex so that I could understand CHOICE. So I also understand that it can be tough to navigate this choice. To feel confident in what you decide to do and then remain confident afterwards. So I want to help.
Here are the 3 simple ways to know if you are ready to have sex with someone:
1. You want to
Again, you get to decide when you’re ready. No one else. You have sovereignty over your body. Period.
2. They want to also
If you feel it. Follow it. Energy doesn’t lie. If you want to sexually explore with someone who wants to sexually explore with you… go for it. Realize that sex is consensual and it takes at least two, so if you’re having it, you’re not in it alone.
3. It’s in alignment with you
Ask yourself these questions: Will I be overstepping my boundaries by having sex? Will I be disregarding my values by having sex? Am I neglecting myself in any way by having sex? If you answer “YES” to any of these, hold off and give yourself space and time to understand why or take measures to turn that yes into a “NO” and then proceed.
I say this often and I say this proudly. We are sexual beings. Sex is life energy. It is creative, expressive, potent, powerful, healing, magical, multidimensional and multifaceted. You are worthy of experiencing it in every way you desire. You choose the how, the when, the who and no amount of expression lessens your virtue. No amount of experimentation changes your value. Your pleasure is your adventure. Be safe, be curious and trust that you know yourself better than anyone else. Trust that your choices are right for you and you can choose to have sex when it is right for you. No shame. No judgment. Period.
