The Most Dramatic Season EVER
Superhero Bachelor/ette
There are a few true pillars of our current entertainment landscape, including superheroes and multiverses and… endless seasons of The Bachelor franchise. Given the simultaneous existence of these two pop culture juggernauts, it isn’t a stretch to think that they may eventually crossover. Lucky for you, dear reader, we’ve done the hard work of thinking through what superhero Bachelor/ette contestant descriptions would look like.
Now, let your mind run wild and enjoy!
Before getting to our contestants, let’s talk about the rock of this show, the stable element when all else is crumbling, our host: Black Widow
Since this is a fictional world, I’ve chosen the host that we, the viewers, truly deserve.
Natasha Romanov, the Black Widow, would be a delightfully vicious, funny, and quick-on-her-feet host. After having been raised in a horrific Soviet super-spy program, becoming an Avenger, and having a funny, flirtatious relationship with Captain America, dealing with a house full of confused single people and one over-their-head lead should be easy.
Now, on to the contestants!
Superman
Superman identifies himself as an “aw-shucks farmer from Kansas,” but it quickly becomes obvious to the other contestants that he’s a near-perfect specimen of humanity and thus, a threat to be destroyed.
Although all of his interactions with the Bachelor/Bachelorette (hey, maybe the show will eventually have a non-heterosexual lead… ) are down to earth and sweet, the other contestants says that Superman is here for the wrong reasons and, worst of all, he’s LYING ABOUT HIS PAST. He isn’t actually a human farmer, instead he is a lone survivor of Krypton and thus probably only on the show for the Instagram followers. The main character sends Superman home at a cocktail party, saying “I don’t even know who you are anymore!”
Wonder Woman
From the moment she steps out of the limo, it’s obvious that Wonder Woman is too good for the main character and too good for the show. She’s a source of stability early on, her dates are fun, and she mediates a number of clashes between other contestants. She eventually self-eliminates mid-season but doesn’t make it awkward. Rumors swirl that the producers are considering her as the lead for the next season, but she instead severs all ties with the Bachelor franchise and goes on to lead a normal, if spectacular and enviable, life.
Jessica Jones
Jessica is a surprising hit on the show, mostly for her absolute disdain for the lead and her insane alcohol consumption during group dates and rose ceremonies. Still, the lead is drawn to her and gives her a second 1:1 before other contestants get their first 1:1. As a result, the other contestants hate her and plan to smother her with a pillow. A fight breaks out during a group date cocktail hour and, although the footage is never aired, the rumor is that Jessica threw a former Miss South Carolina through a window. Jessica leaves the show with no explanation the following week.
Spider-man
Self-deprecating, attractive in a non-threatening manner, and friendly, Spider-man is a fan favorite from night one. He brings the main character to tears with his life story: dead parents, raised by his aunt, super-villian murdered his girlfriend. Unfortunately, the main character sends Spider-man home during a 1:1 date involving acro-yoga because “his hands were too sticky.”
Thor
Although a gorgeous yet generic meathead, Thor is so good natured that he never has much tension with other people in the house despite constantly talking over other people and boasting about himself. Oddly, Thor is so melodramatic that he comes across as emotionally open and the main character loves him for it. Unfortunately, Thor is unable to commit and talks so openly about his former lovers that he becomes too much for the main character… production loves it, though, and each episode is followed by a clip of Thor talking about yet another Norwegian woman he’d met. The show tries to find a few of the women to ‘accidentally’ bump into Thor and the main character on a date but Thor’s identifications for all of the women read like this: “the one from that town up north” or “the one who fought with me in that battle”.
Loki
Of course, no season of The Bachelor/ette is complete without a dramatic storyline that predates filming and then is only revealed a couple of episodes in (like the many times it is revealed that all the people text each other before going on the show…sometimes leading to more…) In our epic season, the preexisting drama is of course that Loki and Thor are brothers…who hate each other! All scenes with them together produce a chill that you can almost feel through the screen and a lot of incomprehensible exchange between them about long-ago slights, often involving giants and elves. To make matters even more dramatic, Loki is a shape-shifter who hates to lose. So, after being eliminated because he is the God Lies - which the main character correctly identifies as a toxic, but unchangeable trait at hometowns - Loki shape-shifts into a remaining contestant and quietly locks the real contestant in a closet. He continues this behavior until he is the last contestant standing. However, at the moment of the engagement he reveals himself in dramatic fashion, taunting the main character about how they’d been better off picking him!
Cyclops
Cyclops is a complete square, a total bore, and, unfortunately, a conventionally attractive white man. Having never seen the show before, he was only chosen as a contestant because Wolverine submitted an application tape without telling him. Still, he’s kind and doesn’t start fights with anyone else. He lasts a respectable amount of episodes before being eliminated. Despite being boring, since he’s a straight white man (did I mention this already?), he’s chosen as the following season’s lead. A sneak peak of the upcoming seasons reveals that his contestants are very confused by him since they can’t see his eyes and he’s unable to cry.
