Bouncing Back From a Dating Hiatus
How long has it been since you’ve dated? Whether it's been weeks, months, or years, it can be frightening to dive back in. Maybe you forgot what it’s like to interact with someone on a date, or with people in general. Maybe you need a refresher on the art of flirting, or how to move from small talk to meaningful conversations. Whatever the case may be, if you feel like you’re in dire need of help, don’t worry – millions of people are dating-hermits just like you. Let’s see what you can do to reclaim your former glory.
Expectations and Mindset
First off, let’s manage expectations. Unless you're Gal Gadot or Idris Elba, don’t expect a chain of perfect dates. Your first date might end with mutual affection that blossoms into a long-term relationship, but that’s generally unlikely. It’s wise to keep expectations low, that way when you’re not already posting #relationshipgoals on Instagram within the first few weeks of dating, you won’t be discouraged.
Now, after realigning with reality, it’s crucial to stay open-minded. Making snap judgements about others is one of the biggest issues with dating today. Limiting ourselves to a certain “type” means the loss of potentially great matches and connections, and this is only reinforced by traditional, swipe-based dating apps like Tinder and Bumble. Surely there are people you’re not immediately and magnetically drawn to, but they may have great personalities and quirks that make them not only a great match for you, but also make them more attractive to you. After all, first impressions are often misleading; think about how many of your friends you didn’t like at first. It’s important—and quite relieving—to have this in mind and understand it deeply when dating. Not only will it double your potential, but, more importantly, it will prioritize human connection.
Tempo
There are so many pressures society puts on us, and having a significant other is no exception. This pressure makes dating feel like a race, compelling us to go at full speed. We go into several dates expecting them to be the “one,” whatever that means to you. Accordingly, we not only let our snap evaluations eliminate potential matches, but we also fabricate things about people we see potential in to maintain the fantasy that they’re the “one.” Either way, it’s common to rush the process and feel like there isn’t enough time.
If you feel this way, ask yourself—enough time for what? We’ve just noted that the pressure to find someone is created by society. Time is only an issue if we let it be. That is, if we succumb to society’s expectations. What the world says about dating and finding the “one” need not be a necessity.
This realization makes it less stressful to date, as it diminishes any sense of a time crunch. One can slow down, take things moment by moment, and experience the entire process of dating more clearly, and this makes all the difference.
Be Present and Have Fun
As cliche as it is, it is for a good reason—being in the present moment is arguably one of the most important principles to live by. Most of our suffering is caused by not being able to connect with the present moment because we’re distracted by thought. How can you expect to connect with someone if you’re busy worrying about what they think of you, or what your other dates think of you, or that stupid joke you made the other day. Let these discursive thoughts go and enjoy the moment.
Of course, that is easier said than done. There are so many stresses and things to think about in our lives. Moreover, our mind’s natural inclination is towards survival and protecting ourselves, and, hence, excessive worrying. Unless you’re a Tibetan monk that has meditated for years, it is quite hard to simply let go of a negative thought and not let it capture your attention.
One technique to help strengthen this mental resilience is to ask yourself if worrying is serving you in any way. When you can realize that your current occupation of negative thought is excessive and not helping you, a clear and present mind is much more accessible.
Another technique is to reframe your outlook on dating. Looking back at the previous section, we concluded that dating does not have to be a high pressure undertaking. Instead of viewing it as your means to find a significant other, view it as an opportunity to meet new people, connect with them, and have fun.
Priorities
Jumping back into dating can be super exciting. Have fun and enjoy every moment of it. But also, and this might seem weird for us to say, don’t prioritize it too much. The biggest priorities should be you, your well-being, and all the things you love. Once again, don’t cave to the pressure to have a partner in life. If we get caught up in this societal expectation, we can forget the things we already have and enjoy in life. Put yourself out there, meet new people, create great relationships, and see where it goes. Don’t forget, however, to keep doing the things you already love. But you should know that; you’ve been on a dating hiatus 😉.
